See my problem is that I think that the things I know to be self evident are just as clear in the minds of others.  This has gotten me into trouble more than once...when will I learn?  Perfect example, 3 words:

Tip

Your

Server

Now I know the vast majority of you are right now thinking...OK... Alex, this is your big revelation? This is why you told me to read your stupid blog? Congratulations, you are part of the majority of reasonable, decent, socially connected, soul-still-in-your-body, non-zombie humans.  You can stop reading and go back to watching television.

My problem is with the rest of you who found these words alien or somehow annoying.  You people make me angry.  You are what is known in America as a 'shitty tipper'.  There are few variations in the 'shitty tipper' category but in the end some hard working man or woman got screwed over. So the net effect is the same.  

1. Delusions of Restaurant Grandeur

Oh I know who you are.  You think going to The Olive Garden is SERIOUS fine dining.  You think to yourself damn it I paid 16.95 for my dinner I'm going to get some me some service and so help me god if everything isn't perfect, I mean seriously perfect I'm not going tip cause after all do you know how much money they make off my meal and drinks?

Idiot, it's a chain restaurant, most of what you're eating was reheated and assembled fresh but otherwise frozen.  You think you're Johnny Big Time cause you're at a place that serves appetizers.  Congratulations Donald Trump you've really made it in the world.  But the thing of it is the server's making minimum wage...actually less than minimum wage, regardless of any profit margin.  Do you know why servers make less than minimum wage?  Is it because we as a society have decided this particular line of work is especially worthless?  No dink, it's because it's assumed that part of the wage will be paid directly in cash...commonly known as a tip. 

Secondly your server is probably not trying to make a career out of this so they are by the nature of the job a professional amateur.  That's why your meal comes in under $30.  Don't go expecting a sommelier or someone to have some brilliant knowledge of the culinary arts.  You are at the IKEA of restaurants ok?  Is there anything wrong with IKEA?  Nope I love it but I don't go in thinking everyone who works there is Debbie Travis ok? 

So lower the bar money bags and remember someone's trying to make rent, or buy diapers, or pay tuition when you've decided the so called 'fancy restaurant' doesn't meet your ridiculous standards.

2. "I don’t believe in tipping"

Then don't go out to restaurants cause they do.  It's not an issue of faith goof, it's not like the Holy Trinity.  Your belief notwithstanding tipping is the deal between the servers and the public.  Got it?

3.  Can't split a check / Math is hard

Every single one of us knows someone who is bad at splitting a check.  If you don't, I've got bad news for you...

You bought yourself a 9.95 club sandwich and a got yourself a 1.99 cola and you've pitched in $15.00

Bet you thought you were tipping 2 or 3 bucks right?  Let me show you the math.

9.95 Club Sandwich
1.99 Cola
-----
11.94 pre tax total
  1.55 taxes
------
13.49 ACTUAL TOTAL
  1.51 your shitty tip

Congratulations someone brought a menu, a drink, took your order, checked on you, brought you food, probably a refill, made sure you were ok, checked on your again, brought you the bill, took your payment, brought you back change AND for all this, you gave them 6 quarters and 1 penny.  That's what the service was worth to you.  Seriously? Why do you do this?  Cause of the anonymity of a group bill...which btw makes you a dick.  And if enough people in your group are as special as you, hoorah your server just worked their ass off for pretty much nothing.  Stub your toe.  Tonight!

4. Frugality

I generally speaking dislike frugal people.  Correction, I generally speaking dislike people who self identify as being frugal or even going so far as to call themselves cheap.  These people were generally raised in lower income homes where they were encouraged to save as much as possible and were rewarded for finding efficiencies and chastised for waste and decadence.  What's wrong with that? Nothing is wrong with THAT.  Truth is we need more of that... but I that’s another discussion.

What is wrong is when this attitude of financial prudence becomes a form of compulsion.  No longer are you just finding better and cheaper ways to do things now you are simply just keeping as much money as possible. That was never the goal. You don't care about product quality, you don't care about simple decency, you don't care about truth, you'll complain about stuff for no reason, you'll fish for discounts, you don't even care if YOU have a good time as long as you can find a way to keep your money.  In the most reprehensible form of this behaviour you'll even not tip...like at all.  Not for any reason (not any real one that is) just because you can.  Legally, you’re only obligated to pay for the goods.  Morally, I'd like to punch you in the neck.   I really don't like cheap people at all.

When is it ok not to tip?

By now you is thinking, Alex, so what we have to tip even when the service sucks now? 

No! Not at all.

I will be the first one to penalize truly poor service. What I have a problem with is the severity of penalty.  People will take almost any reason to cut a decent tip in half or omit it entirely.  Reminding you that the majority of a servers income is tips let’s compare this to a plumber. 

If you had a plumber come by to do some work and he was late, or dragged mud in or had to come back for a minor leak, would it ever cross your mind to pay him ½ the labour or crazier not pay the labour bill at all?  That’s what you’re saying when you don’t tip. What?  You’re food was late...that was a kitchen jag’s problem. Brought the wrong drink? OH NO!  Wasn’t that friendly?  Yah well you know, maybe the guy before you was a guy just like you... so uh... just..shut up.  Assuming for a moment all those things are wrong and they are.  It’s not ok to just not pay for the service for minor infractions. 

The problem is that we call it a tip like it’s a bonus or a reward for doing good work.  It’s a bill. It’s an invisible invoice that comes attached to every check you get and unless you have a seriously compelling reason to not pay it, pay it.

Alternatively we need to start paying servers $10 - $15 / hour and do away with tipping entirely but in the meantime now you know the rules.

P.S.,  I’ve never waited tables a day in my life.