Art Enthusiast & Chaplin fan

It sure looks like I was wrong.  For those who know me, this is absolutely nothing new.  Hearing me admit the fact IS perhaps something new.  Or rare.  I am often adamant in my belief that I’m right about something – usually in spite of an avalanche of sourced, forensic, CSI evidence against my position.  That’s just me.  In the 3^rd round of these NHL playoffs I was wrong on both accounts. 

When you look closely shark and spank aren’t that far apart in the English language.  A very poorly educated soul or a dyslexic person might even see it as the same word.  Interestingly enough, they were the same thing versus Chicago.  The Sharks got Spanked.  And although a quick google search reveals no such fetish site I have to believe one will pop up sooner rather than later.

'Nuff saidI currently have one arm.  While this is neither here nor there (neither shark nor spank) it gives me reason to write as little as possible about Montreal.  I don’t believe they deserved to be in the semi-finals.  But they were there.  They rode a great goaltending performance, luck and a horde of obnoxious, rabid, mouth-breathing fans to Philadelphia.  And the Flyers lit them on fire in a paper bag and left them on a Rosedale door stoop.  I thought Montreal had found some kind of perverse alchemy and would keep winning. I have never been so delighted to be wrong.  I suspect they just ran out of gas and fairy dust.

So here we are at the finals:

Chicago Blackhawks (2^nd in the West, 3^rd Overall) vs Philadelphia Flyers (8^th in the East)

There’s a lot of talk about how gritty and tough the Flyers are to have gotten this far.  And as such, this battle with Chicago will be equitable to WW III.  Horseshit & Sharkspankings.  This will be a goddamned Greek tragedy.  Phili did not go through the #1 team in the league AND the defending Cup champs.  They took advantage of a tired, banged up team of Frenchmen that did.  They’re opportunists.  And they’re about to get the Liberty bell rung and jammed up their ass.  The Hawks will hunt down the Flyers and eviscerate their livers each and every day until the end of time.  This is a short discussion and a short series.

Flyers vs Hawks. With a nice ChiantiX-Factors: Science is awesome.  If they can discover and implement time travel in the next two weeks perhaps Philadelphia can re-sign a young Parent, Lindros, Clarke & Forsberg.  If those guys are swapped in during their prime, they might get past the Blackhawks of today.

Prediction: Spanking.  Crying.  Bleeding.  Moaning.  Vince Vauhgn.  Chicago wins in 5 games. 

These are drugs. Don't believe the lies. They're very good for you.

So I’m about 58% overall with my predictions now (7/12) because the second round screwed me.  I was only .500 in said round (2/4).  This is for two reasons.  1.  Montreal is less like Nickelback and more like a raging case of scabies during a typical warm, wet Vietnam summer.  That is to say that you just cannot get rid of them without severing limbs or some manner of nuclear medicine.  In other words, really strong drugs should be involved.  2. Philadelphia is prespostorous.  For the first time in 33 years and for the 3^rd time EVER in the NHL’s almost 120 years of giving out the damned trophy they came back (after losing their first three games) and won four straight games to win a series.  “How could this possibly happen?” you ask.  “Drugs” is my answer.  They were on good, good drugs.  That and remarkable things just happen every fourty years or so.  You know –A Great Depression, A World War,  Haley’s Comet (I know it’s longer but you get the idea), – that sort of stuff.  So here we are.  (Without drugs).

That's a mouse with scabies. Or a mouse with Montreal. It's pretty gross.San Jose Sharks (1^st in the West, 2^nd Overall) vs Chicago Blackhawks (2^nd in the West, 3^rd Overall)

I’m going to do something I rarely do here; change my mind.  My friends will tell you that I’m a stubborn son of a bitch – with or without drugs.  But much like every fourty years or so, I will do an about face and change my mind.  I’ve been predicting this Western Conference final matchup since January.  Even before.  I predicted the Blackhawks would win the cup.  But now I’ve changed my mind.  There’s no question that these are the best two teams in the West (and probably the league) and that the degree of greatness between them is rather small.  Several commentators I was watching joked about how the series might look like a Canadian Olympic Intersquad game because of the starting 10 skaters, 7 of them were on the Gold Medal Olympic Team for Canada this past February (for San Jose – Dan Boyle, Joe Thornton, Dany Heatly & Patrick Marleau with Jon Toews, Brent Seabrook & Duncan Keith for Chicago).  If you dig a bit deeper, you’ll find a USA Olympic player on each team as well (Patrick Kane for Chicago and Joe Pavelski for San Jose).  That’s a fairly unprecedented occurance.  And the reason that I now believe San Jose has the firepower, experience, determination and need to win.  Their depth is incredible and they’ve played with more urgency and necessity than Chicago thus far.  And while those may not seem important, they are.  When teams are this talented and this close in offensive, defensive, special teams, goaltending, size and talent comparisons you have to look to what are commonly called “the intangibles.”  San Jose will win because they have all of those things and more.  And besides.  They’re fucking sharks.

You see just how cool drugs can be. Totally cool.X-Factors: Other than sharks and a lack of drugs (which were already said) there’s nothing more to add that wasn’t in the previous discussion about this series.  Blackhawks are just people.  Sharks are sharks.

Prediction: These are two great teams, so it will probably go the distance but I believe San Jose will win in 7 games. 

Philadelphia Flyers (7^th in the West) vs Montreal Canadiens (8^th in the West)

When I say that neither of these teams should be here, I mean it.  They both squeaked into the playoffs and they both squeaked through their second round series.  Traditionally if there’s that much squeaking you drown that shit in oil and hope the noise goes away.  In this case, they will battle to the death instead.  And it’s anybody’s guess who will win.  Much of that is because this has NEVER happened before.  Ever.  Never.  Ever.  Drugs.  Never.  The 7^th and 8^th seed have never lasted to the third round to play each other.  And when I take the piss out of Montreal I mean it because I don’t like them, but you have to respect their achievements.  And I do.  They faced arguably the two best teams in the Eastern Conference and beat them both (although it took 14 games).  No one – not a single sports caster outside of Montreal – gave them a shot of winning either series.  They were out-chanced 2-1 in every game they won.  That means for every great scoring chance Montreal had, the Caps or Pens had two chances.  And they still lost.  It’s unfathomable.  This team just finds a way to win.  They consistently get cornered and find enough life, enough guts and enough magic to duck out of the corner and turn the table.  And 89% of it is because of their goalie, The jackass who designed this should try some drugs. Drugs make hugs feel better.Jaroslav Halak.  He was nothing short of brilliant in both series and should they make it to the Cup finals and lose – he is still the fore runner for the playoff MVP.  He has carried his team across an ocean.  The bad news is that there’s Sharks out there.  Now, the Flyers made history.  As I mentioned earlier, they came from waaaaayyyy back to win.  And so you have to believe they are fired up and full of momentum.  Both teams will be tired.  Both teams have a big, big D-man (Gill for Montreal and Pronger for Philadelphia).  Both clubs have a complete “team” mentality.  And although I think there’s a bit more depth in the Flyer dressing room (Mike Richards & Pronger were also on Team Canada and Jeff Carter was the 24^th man on the roster) I just can’t figure out how they will beat the force of nature that Halak is.  At least not 4 times in 7 games.  It is Montreal’s 100^th year as the Canadiens and all the stars seem to be aligning in their favour.  And so Halak & the Habs win this series because destiny seems to will it so.

X-Factors: Again, mentioned above.  Phili has the offensive edge but so has Pittsburgh and Washington before them.  Against Halak what has it got them?  An early tee off time on a golf course that probably doesn’t allow drugs.  Or sharks.

Prediction: Montreal will grind out another win in 7 games because they just don’t seem to play their best hockey until they’re fighting for their lives.

This is me on drugs in '98 and off drugs in '02. Uh huh.

So, my predictions were 5/8 in the first round.  6/8 if you count my last minute change of heart towards Boston.  That’s not bad (I’m in Vegas, believe me those are good odds) but I’m hoping for a little more consistency here in round 2.  My prediction for the cup final is no longer possible.  I do still think Chicago will represent the west (they’ll beat San Jose in the semis) but Washington has to wait a year.  Pittsburgh was the second best team coming out of the east (in my eyes) but if all went as planned they’d have played Washington in the 2^nd round.  When they met last year the series went all 7 games and Pittsburgh just squeaked by.  I thought Washington had the depth and experience to win that war this year but I was wrong.  Now I think the Pens will get to the Cup again at the expense of the Boston Bruins.  Here’s a more in-depth analysis/snide commentary.

Pittsburgh Penguins (3^rd in the East) vs. Montreal Canadiens (8^th in the East)

Rarely does it happen that seeds #1 & #2 get knocked out in the first round.  But that’s exactly what’s happened this time.  Washington & Buffalo both got bounced and so the Penguins are the top seed remaining in the east.  Mathematically they should have finished 2^nd anyway, so here we are.

They play the miraculous Montreal.  Washington must have done something deep, dark and terrible to the hockey gods to have handed such an opportunity to the Canadiens.  It’s not that the Habs are that bad a team.  It’s just that no sane human likes them and no one with a soul will wear their jersey.  They did make the playoffs (barely) and they did beat the Caps (barely) but they will not beat the Penguins.  Pittsburgh has too many weapons, too much depth, too much experience and too much awesomeness.  Montreal rode the back of Halak (their goalie) for the last 3 games of the series.  He was just spectacular.  He was Rick Astley in the very early 90’s.  Everyone thought he was the shit.  And then – like in Dallas – we woke up and pretended the bad dream had never happened. Oh sure you’ll still hear him in kitschy tourist places or bad shopping malls, but that’s because it’s too creepy if there’s no sound at all.  Anyway, Halak was like that.  Fucking Superman for three games.  The coach of the Caps said he was, ‘out of his mind’ and ‘if he played like that anything was possible.’  Perhaps he just thrives on the pressure of being up against the wall because he was fairly unspectacular in game 1 vs Pittsburgh.  In fact, he was yanked out of the net and the Pens still went on to run over Montreal.  Even if Halak has a bounce back, I don’t think it’ll be enough to beat the reigning champs.  They just seem to have a 4^th & 5^th gear that no other team has shown this playoffs.

X-Factors: Halak won the last series by himself.  Seriously.  By himself.  He stopped something like 140 shots in 3 games and – don’t quote me on this – I think he had 1 goal and 1 assist per game as well.  He could lengthen the series but I don’t think he has enough in the tank (or experience) to win it himself again.  And the rest of the team is just a bunch of hard working guys who will be overwhelmed by Crosby, Malkin, Staal & Gonchar.

Prediction: Pittsburgh wins 4 games to 2.  It’ll take that long because they just seem to like playing hockey and they’re never fond of ending a series too soon.

Boston Bruins (6^th in the East) vs. Philadelphia Flyers (7^th in the East)

Again, it’s very strange to see two such low seeds playing each other.  Everyone always talk about how the playoffs are “a whole new season.”  Here’s the evidence.  I was wrong about both of these teams in my first round predictions so how can I be trusted to make the right decision this time?  Marc Savard will help me do that.  He was Boston’s leading scorer and they won without him in round 1.  Mostly due to the exemplary goaltending of Tuukka Rask.  Almost every year a new goaltender proves himself in the playoffs and becomes the unarguable starter for seasons to come.  It’s a coming of age story and this year the protagonist is Rask.  The Flyers play a real team game.  Grind, grind, grind away with very few mistakes and capitalize on the ones their opponents make.  It’s almost as if they learned the New Jersey (who they beat soundly) playbook to perfection and schooled them with their own text books.  However, the Bruins can play that game, too.  And more.  And they have a giant.  Zdeno Chara is like something out of a Dungeons & Dragons book.  He has plus everything, a six foot club of wood and razors strapped to his feet.  You try and tell him he’s going to lose.  Won’t happen.

X-Factors: Pronger is a big, bad defenseman but Chara is bigger, badder and can eat most of the Flyers as appetizers.  So, with a healthy Savard, a steady Rask and a freaking giant that turns Flyers into Phili Cheesesteaks, this proves to be a tight series that the Bruins should take because they’ll capitalize on more mistakes.

Prediction: Boston beats Philadelphia 4 games to 2.

San Jose Sharks (1^st in the West, 2^nd Overall) vs. Detroit Red Wings (5^th in the West)

They’re the Sharks.  The fucking sharks.  They eat things.  Flesh things.  Fish.  People.  Boats.  Things with wings aren’t a traditional meal, but they will be this time.  Detroit looked uneven and rather mortal in its first round series against Phoenix.  That’s not going to be good enough to beat San Jose.  They need to look like demi-gods.  They need some Hercules shit going on and they just don’t have it.  Their goalie is a rookie (albeit a very talented one), their defense is aged and their offense lacks depth.  San Jose is a bunch of fucking sharks and Detroit has red jerseys.  Maybe I’m confusing bull fighting and shark circling but you would do the same in my shoes.  San Jose is scary.  They have size, depth, offense, defense, heart, goaltending, experience, determination and something to prove.  And.  They’re fucking sharks.

X-Factors:  Red Wings are weird tires with wings on them.  They can’t really fly and they can’t really roll.  San Jose are sharks.  There’s no x-factors when sharks are involved except Roy Schieder.  And – unless they talk to Stephen King - I don’t believe the Detroit organization has any means to raise the dead.

Prediction: Live every week like it’s a shark week.  Sharks win in 6.  I realize Detroit will only have red jerseys for games 1, 2 & 5 but use your imagination.  Maybe someone will bleed in game 4.

Chicago Blackhawks (2^st in the West) vs. Vancouver Canucks (3^rd in the West)

This should be the closest series in the quarter finals.  The last several years the most formidable looking teams always seem to have come from the west and this year is no exception.  Vancouver has been here many times before with a very similar looking team.  So they certainly have the experience nod.  And their goalie, Luongo, seems to be getting more and more comfortable in high pressure situations.  So, I give the goaltending nod to Vancouver as well.  But depth, grit, offense & defense all go to the Blackhawks.  It’s not the native in me that feels the pull to Chicago.  It’s the hockey lover.  These guys are a young, amazing, hungry squad.  They are spectacular to watch.  They have heart, arrogance, skill, dazzle, showmanship, physicality and – most importantly – desire.  And they were here last year.  Right here.  They played Vancouver in the quarter finals and lost in 6 games.  I’m sure 75% of them remember it very well because the team hasn’t changed that much.  They’ve learned from that and they’re ready to go the distance this year.  Toews, Sharp, Campbell, Kane, Byfuglien, Keith, Seabrook.  This team is stacked.  They look like Pittsburgh did two years ago when they went to the cup finals and lost to the older, wiser Red Wings.  I think Chicago could pull off a similar coup this year.  If they don’t get eaten by fucking sharks.

X-Factors:  Goaltending is the only question mark for Chicago.  Their goalies are steady but unspectacular.  Neither Niemi or Huet has earned the outright honour of starting goalie.  It’s been a team effort.  And, playing a team like the Canucks who heap a great deal of their burden on Luongo, that may not be good enough if Vancouver can get their offense fired up.

Prediction: Chicago will win this hard fought battle in 7 games.

It's Enya. She doesn't like tubas. Or Slash.Let’s be honest here.  Unless you live on Uranus or have several serious drug problems, you know that the Ottawa Senators and the Colorado Avalanche got exactly what they should have; an early summer.  Yes they made the playoffs but that’s not a great achievement in itself (unless you live in Toronto, in which case it would be a lovely achievement).  I mean, I could join the army and go to war but that would be bad for both me AND the army.  If you’re going to war, you want well-trained, well-honed, seasoned, educated soldiers.  That increases your odds of winning said war.  And hockey – at least in the playoffs – is all out war.  Hopefully no one dies but people do get hurt.  It’s fierce, it’s bloody (I watched a man pull his own tooth out of his mouth yesterday because an errant stick had knocked it rather loose) and it can be ugly.  By that’s why – for me – it’s so much more excited than 9 guys standing around scratching themselves and occasionally throwing or hitting a ball.  Football, Basketball, Soccer – none of these have the speed, the agility, the physicality and the beauty that I see in hockey.

It's a tuba. Mortal enemy of Enya and ally to Slash.But I digress.  Ottawa & Colorado are done like Sarah Palin (seriously, she’s done – politically at least – although we’ll probably still have to listen to her folksy prattle until someone in her home state muzzles her).  Pittsburgh & San Jose both deserved to beat their respective opponents although the series (on paper) looks closer than it should have been.  To me it just looked like a bit of underestimating your opponent.  Once the Sharks & the Pens shifted into fourth gear, they left the Avs and the Sens on the side of the road like fresh roadkill.  The same looks to be true for Detroit (they’re currently leading Phoenix 3-2), Chicago (they’re beating Nashville 3-2), Vancouver (they’ve just pulled ahead of LA and sit at 3-2) and Washington (they’re making them talk English at 3 games to 2).  Any of those teams in brackets may come back and win but it’s doubtful.  In every case they’re the underdog and the leading team: wants it more, deserves it more and has a better understanding of how to get it.

However, I was dead wrong in one of my predictions and may yet be wrong in one of my others.  Philadelphia beat the living piss out of New Jersey 4 games to 1.  It was the shortest series and the only match-up to last only 5 games.  I don’t know whether to be comforted or annoyed that I can’t find a single sports analyst who thought the Flyers would win.  New Jersey played so steadily all year (they finished 2^nd in the East for christ’s sake!) that it seemed a given they’d continue their consistency.  But Phili aggravated them, antagonized them and assaulted them.  They capitalized on every small NJ mistake and make short work of one of the top 3 goalies in hockey history.    Everything dies, baby, that’s a fact.  And now they’re free to meet the Boss in Atlantic City.

I had no idea jam came in this colourI’m not complaining or whining that I was wrong.  In fact I’m delighted in this instance.  The Devils play ugly hockey.  Elephant Man ugly.  And there’s nothing pretty on the inside.  It’s like Enya’s music.  Certainly there is artistry and validity to her work.  It’s just that she’s done the same work for 8 albums or so.  I worked at a music store with the most incredible music nerds and my friends there and I used to play a game called, “Which Enya song is this and which record is it off of?”  No one ever one.  No one.  Ever.  And NJ hockey is kind of like that.  You could watch all 82 games in a season and if you watched in black and white you would almost swear that – other than the logos & stripes of the opposing team – you were watching the same damned game.  But the beauty of playoff hockey is that all of this goes out the window.  82 games are essentially forgotten and it’s win 4 games out of 7 or you go the hell home.  So the team that’s faster, hungrier, smarter, nastier, grittier and harder working is the team that wins.  And in this case, it was the Flyers.  They made New Jersey (a notoriously disciplined team) take stupid penalties and make careless, careless mistakes.  Imagine an Enya song with a tuba solo in the middle and in the wrong key.  The NJ behaviour was just as unlikely and unexpected (at least I wouldn’t expect an out of tune tuba solo in an Enya song).  It was so out of character that after the fourth game, their GM, Lou Lamoriello (great handle) came in and just screamed at the team before throwing a jar of jam against the wall (why a jar of jam was lying around in a hockey dressing room is a whole other mystery).  But surprises (like a Slash guitar solo in the middle of the unexpected tuba solo in an Enya song) are part of the playoffs and that’s part of the reason you watch.

Lou Lamoriello. Great handle. But his eyes are creepily far apart.The Boston Bruins are close to pulling off an upset as well.  They’ve somehow outplayed the Buffalo Sabres and no one expected them to do so.  Tukka Rask is the young Bruin goalie and he’s been phenomenal.  Typically it’s the Sabres goalie, Ryan Miller, that garners that moniker but as great as he’s been – Rask has been better.  He has stolen the series for the Bruins.  That and Buffalo’s top scorers have discovered and become enchanted with brand new suits of invisibility.  Certainly it’s an intriguing discovery but couldn’t it wait until after the hockey season?  Seriously, these guys are just nowhere to be found.  And if you want to win the Stanley Cup you need everyone to show up.  Your scorers have to show up and bring some dessert.  Otherwise they can meet the Boss & the Devils in Atlantic City.

Revised Predictions:  I stick to my guns with the exception of the Flyers & Bruins.  I think the Flyers will win in 5 games and leave New Jersey stunned and a big mess of jam to clean up off the wall.  I think the Bruins will blow their lead (they led the series 3 games to 1) but squeak past the Sabres in 7 games when their best scorer, Marc Savard, makes a heroic and early return from his head injury. 

So, here’s the last three series’ I have yet to comment on. 

Buffalo Sabres (3^rd in the East) vs. Boston Bruins (6^th in the East)

Buffalo has long been the E Street Band of the hockey world.  They play a complete team game.  Everyone contributes to the success with their own specialty, their own lack of selfishness and their own commitment to the larger picture.  But at the heart of the group is Ryan Miller.  He is the Bruce Springsteen of the team.  He is the heart.  He is the soul.  He is the manic preacher that spreads the gospel, the excitement and the passion they all carry.  Off the ice he is a quiet, well-spoken gentleman who embodies the everyman and leads by example rather than discussion.  On the ice he is a dynamic force of nature that is mesmerizing to watch, impossible to ignore and single handedly able to win games for his team.  However, if he’s just average (which he is very, very rarely) the team just isn’t potent enough to exist without him.  They don’t win unless he’s stellar.  Lucky for them that’s most of the time.  They’re playing the Bruins who are hurt.  Hurt bad.  They are the second lowest scoring team in the NHL despite where they finished.  If that’s not a bad enough recipe for failure in the playoffs, they lost the scoring heart of their team (Marc Savard) to a viscious mugging with less then a month to go in the season.  He might be back for the second series if Boston makes it that far, but it’s unlikely they’ll beat the best goalie in the NHL (he is the obvious winner for the Vezina trophy – best goalie in the regular season) with the second worst scoring and their leading scorer injured.

X-Factors: The previously mentioned Ryan Miller.  He is a brick wall that moves and thinks and adapts.  The Boston offense looks as ineffective as Nerf balls.  Nerf balls don’t beat brick walls.  Zdeno Chara is the only Bruin who could turn the tide against the Sabres.  He is a 6’9” animal who can score, pass and make it difficult for anyone to get near his neat.  He is a giant.  Giants can knock down brick walls.

Prediction:  The Sabres will carefully dismantle the Bruins in five games.

Chicago Blackhawks (2nd in the West & 3rd Overall) vs. Nashville Predators (7th in the West)

Nashville has a hockey team?  Really?  I remember an emotionally scarring trip to Nashville with my family when I was much younger.  I now can appreciate some real country music like George Strait or Glen Campbell (I remember listening to “Rhinestone Cowboy” over and over and over on my grandma’s 8-track!) but I did NOT care for country music in my youth.  I was made to sit through the Grand Ole Opry and go to Dollywood.  I did not enjoy these activites but I enjoy watching the Predators slightly less.  When I think of Nashville I think of three things: country music, grits (ass in ‘kiss my’) and a certain aspect of Dolly Parton that I will let you agree upon amongst yourselves.  When I think of Chicago I think of delicious pizza and a hockey team that went to the semi-finals last year despite their youth.  These guys are the Eagles of NHL hockey.  But with more youth and the same amount of ability.  They can all do something remarkable.  And most of them can do two or three things that are remarkable.  So many of them are capable of carrying the melody (or carrying the group).  With Patrick Sharp, Patrick Kane (when he's not punching cab drivers), Jonathan Toews, Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook and Dustin Byfuglien this team is young, confident, exceptionally talented and really, really, really difficult to contain.  They have more weapons than the US defense and there’s a very good chance they’re going to win the Stanley Cup because of that.  They made a great push last year and with that experience and defeat under their belt, they’ll only come back stronger, wiser and hungrier.  I hope they like grits because they’re about to devour several thousand pounds of them.

X-Factors: Nashville did get this far in a pretty strong Western Conference.  For all my snotty bashing they are a hard-working bunch of nobodies who have found success because they’re always the underdog and they have a gift for finding cracks and exploiting them.  The problem is that Chicago doesn’t show many cracks.

Prediction: Chicago will beat the country hicks in five games.  And bury the bodies where they won’t be found.

Vancouver Canucks (3^rd in the West) vs. Los Angeles Kings (6^th in the West)

The Canucks have been here many times before.  A solid team that seems to underachieve in the playoffs.  Why?  It’s a mystery. But this year, they seem poised and determined to go a bit further.  Beyond the talent in the Sedin twins (Henrik won the scoring race and the Art Ross trophy) they have a lot of depth.  With some real, talented grit in Ryan Kesler and Alex Burrows and a Roberto Luongo who must be feeling confident after several clutch performances in the Olympics, this is their best ever chance to make a deep run.  LA is a young, young team.  Their goalie is young, their defencemen are young and their forwards are young.  Did I mention they’re young?  These guys are the Jonas Brothers of hockey.  But less annoying and omni-present.  There is no doubt they have talent but they have no experience in such a pressure cooker and Vancouver has plenty of failed experiences to draw from and fuel the desire to win.

X-Factors: Although the King’s youth will probably work against them, there is the off chance that they will be so naïve and fearless that they just won’t notice the pressure.  As such, they could really put a scare into the Canucks and if Vancouver gets rattled, they could see another great opportunity slip away.

Prediction: Vancouver is too deep and too experienced to let another slip away.  They want this bad.  They should win in six games.

So, here’s my problem.  I think the Chicago Blackhawks will win the Stanley Cup this year.  They have heart, leadership, youth, enthusiasm and a truck load of talent.  They’ll have to go through the San Jose Sharks (I think) to do it, but I believe they are just that good.  I believe they’ll play Washington to take the prize.  That’s right, I predict a Chicago Blackhawks vs. Washington Capitals final.  And I think Chicago can beat them at their own game although it would be close.  Very close and great hockey to watch.  However, I’m not sure that Chicago could beat Pittsburgh if the Pens get there.  Pittsburgh just has too much depth and too much heart and so much more experience despite their similar youthfulness.  The problem is that Pittsburgh and Washington will meet in the 2^nd round if all goes as planned.  That’s due to an unbelievably foolish NHL seeding system which I’ll get to later.  And as great as Pittsburgh is they just squeaked past the Caps last year.  And a year later, Washington is fitter, stronger, hungrier and more experienced.  They’re like the Rocky in Rock II.  And I think they’ll have an incredible series against the Pens and probably run the gauntlet from there.  Until they meet the other young, sexy powerhouse that is Chicago.  The point is, I’m predicting a champion but it’s only based on the team I think they’ll play.  Maybe that’s the point.  Or maybe gambling on something with such an unbelievable number of variables is just plain stupid.

Pittsburgh Penguins (4^th in the East & Defending Stanley cup Champs) vs Ottawa Senators (5^th in the East)

 There’s no music comparison here.  There just isn’t a good one.  Pittsburgh is a juggernaut.  Ottawa is just a not.  Or naught.  The Pens won the Stanley Cup last year and lost in the finals the year before that.  There is no reason they shouldn’t get most of (if not all) the way again.  Sidney Crosby.  He’s 22 years old, he’s captain of the Pens, he has an Olympic Gold Medal, a Stanley Cup Ring, a Scoring Title (the Art Ross), a Goal Scoring Title (the Rocket Richard award) and 2 MVP awards (Lester B. Pearson award which is voted on by the other players and the Hart Memorial trophy which is voted on by hockey journalists around the league).  That’s a lot of hardware for a man of his years.  As if that’s not enough, he’s got Jordan Staal (who is 21 and awesome), Evgeni Malkin (who is 23 with a Scoring Title, a Playoff MVP and a Rookie of the Year award of his own) and Marc-Andre Fleury who was absolutely spectacular and integral to their Cup win last year.  And now this unbelievable force is playing the Ottawa Senators.  And this is one of the reasons that Gary Bettman (he runs the NHL) can take a long, hard suck on my bum.  In his quest for “parity” in the league (you know, spreading out the good players to make sure that no one’s “too” good because that would mean they might sell more tickets or merch or make more tv revenue than the teams jammed into the hockey wastelands of Phoenix or Nashville or Columbus – all Bettman’s doing, by the way – and we just CAN’T have that – I mean who wants to just watch great hockey when we can have 30 “equal” teams – 8 of which no one cares about – when we could have 22 incredible teams?) each conference is divided into three divisions.  And the winner of each division can NOT finish lower than 3^rd.  So even though the Penguins have 101 points in the regular season and Buffalo has 100, the Sabres won their division where as the Pens finished two points behind the Devils of New Jersey (who had 103) and so NJ is 2^nd, Buffalo is 3^rd and Pittsburgh gets the shit stick and the harder playoff series.  Confusing?  Yes.  Stupid?  Hockey players don’t make great lawyers.  And conversely, I don’t think lawyers run a hockey league very well.  They don’t care about the game.  They care about money and rules.  Am I fan.  Probably not.  Would I encourage everyone to find Bettman’s house and take a fast, hard dump on his front stoop.  Yes.  Not in his house.  That would be discourteous.  Anyway, the Pens have to play the Sens.  Certainly the harder challenge than the banged-up Bruins.  Ottawa is a good team.  But there is a lot of inexperience being held together by a handful of talented veterans.  And they just lost one of those for 3-4 months when Alex Kovalev blew out his knee a week ago.  I call him “the Turkey” because he shows up two or three times a year (Thanksgiving, Christmas and maybe Easter) but when he does show up, it’s fantastic and fun and festive.  How a player with such god given talent can just disappear for months at a time is one of hockey’s great mysteries.  And frustrations.  But regardless of the Turkey, Ottawa is just outclassed here.  They’re going to continue to get better over the next two years and they’ll learn some lessons here when Pittsburgh takes them to school.

X-Factors: Pittsburgh has half an alphabet of factors, all mentioned before.  Ottawa has a rookie goalie and 3 defensemen who have never played a playoff game.  Distilled, the Sens have several non-factors.  And I’m not just saying that because I’m a Leaf fan.  Ottawa is learning, but I don’t think they can learn fast enough to take Pittsburgh out this year.

Prediction: Pittsburgh wins 4 games to 1. 

San Jose Sharks (1^st in the West & 2^nd Overall) vs. Colorado Avalanche (8^th in the West)

 The Sharks are the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young of hockey.  And not the old version.  The young version in their prime when they made incredible music and melody.  The Sharks do that with Marleau, Thornton & Heatley and one of the defensemen, Dan Boyle.  The line is so good they took the whole thing and placed on the Team Canada team that one the Olympic gold medal.  That speaks volume to the rarity of the chemistry and ability these guys have with each other.  And their goalie Nabokov – while inconsistent – can be one of those guys that leave you talking to yourself in your closed garage with the car running if you’re an Av’s supporter.  He just finds another level every once in a while – sometimes for weeks at a time – and it’s like watching an alien toy with the silly humans running on ice with razor blades on their feet.  That said, Colorado has surprised everybody.  Almost every piece of literature I read – from great hockey minds and jackass, opinionated couch potatoes who work for TSN – predicted they’d finish in the bottom 8 of the NHL.  Most thought the bottom 5 because they’re still trying to rebuild their franchise having lost Joe Sakic (a great hockey leader who’s a shoo in to the Hockey Hall of Fame) to retirement last year.  That’s a hole you just can’t fill.  He’s like a Crosby or Ovechkin or Stamkos.  Those guys come along once every four or five years (although the last few years has been remarkable for one or two dynamite individual talents) and only one or two teams in the league are lucky enough to get them.  And rarely do you get two or three in a row (as Pittsburgh & Washington both did).  But Colorado just came screaming out of the gate and didn’t look back until the halfway mark.  And then they said, “Holy shit, look how far ahead we are of most of the pack!  How’d we do that?”  And when the questions started, it was like the coyote looking at his feet and noticing he was running on air.  The ground came out beneath them.  They spiralled through most of the last third of the season and free fell through the standings (they were near the top five for the first quarter and top 8 for almost the first third of the season).  And again, youth is a great factor here, but there’s very little experience on this team.  And no real commander that can lead by example and rally the troops.  They’ve come too far too fast and although they’ll be a team to watch in the years to come, they’re going to eaten alive by the Sharks.

X-Factors: Matt Duschene is a heavy favourite for rookie of the year with Colorado and deservedly so.  It was expected that he’d spend the year in the minors but he was so good and the Av’s were just not deep enough to send him back.  As such, he’s thrived in the NHL and taken immense leaps forward in his game.  This will be his first true test of patience, of determination and of desire because he will be circled by at least two Sharks for most of the series.  If he perseveres and continues to take giant strides, maybe he can lead the Av’s further into unexpected territory.  But probably not.  Don’t let it bring you down, Colorado.

Prediction: San Jose wins in 6 games.  It will only take that long because San Jose has a history of shakiness in the playoffs and they’ll probably be jittery for a game or two until they start firing on all pistons.  And then the water will run red.

Phoenix Coyotes (4^th in the West) vs. Detroit Red Wings (5^th in the West)

Seriously?  The Phoenix Coyotes are in the playoffs?  Seriously?  Phoenix has a hockey team?  It’s in the christing desert!  I’m half kidding because if you’ve watched all the hullabaloo involving Jim Balsillie (he wanted to buy the cash starved, money haemorrhaging team of desert dogs but Bettman went out of his way to prevent a passionate, billionaire, hockey loving, good business man from doing so) then you know that Phoenix may not have a team next year.  As such it’s remarkable that they’re in the playoffs.  It’s remarkable that they’ve been steady and strong all year.  Consistently they’ve been in the top half of the conference and no one can tell me why.  Their top scorer has 65 points in 80 games.  That’s really, really low for a team leading scorer by NHL standards (when you consider that Sedin leads Vancouver with 112, Crosby leads Pittsburgh with 109 & Ovechkin leads Washington with 109).  The Coyotes play a complete team game.  Nothing fancy, nothing remarkable and nothing that makes sense.  I look at their line-up and I think they’ve over-achieved and it’s bound to come crashing down sooner or later.  Probably sooner since they play the Detroit Red Wings.  Detroit is the U2 of hockey.  They’ve been successful for a long, long time.  They are in the playoffs for the 19^th straight season!  That’s ridiculous and the longest of any pro sports franchise by 6 years.  They have a storied history and a tome of accomplishments that probably won’t be rivalled again.  They are as close as the NHL will ever come again to a hockey dynasty.  They’re also probably too old to be doing this but they still keep surprising people with what they can achieve and accomplish.  Until this year they have finished first in their division the last four times.  They have gone to the Stanley Cup finals twice (winning once) in the last two years and losing in the semi-finals the year prior to that.  That’s a truck load of hockey.  And then some.  They slept through most of this season, just coasting on talent.  All of their big stars got hurt which actually benefited them because they got some rest.  When you finish hockey in mid-June and start up again at the beginning of September you just don’t get a lot of rest.  And they’ve done that three years running.  But wow did they wake up in the last quarter of the season.  They rocketed up the standings and seem close to regaining their form from the last few playoff runs.  I think age and fatigue will ultimately undo them, but not against Phoenix.

X-Factors: Zetterberg & Datsyuk for Detroit.  Zetterberg had 70 points in 74 games this year.  While that’s impressive enough (those are serious, top prospect draft pick numbers), what’s more impressive is that he’s had that many points per game or HIGHER for the last five years.  And he was drafted in the 7^th round at 210^th overall in 1999.  Seriously.  Datsyuk has 70 points in 80 games.  Although this is his worst season (still well beyond respectable) in 5 years (his last four were 97, 97, 87, 87!!!)  it’s speculated that he played hurt for a bunch of those games and just wasn’t himself.  But he was still pretty damned good.  He was drafted in the 6^th round, 171^st overall in 1998.  There’s a trend here.  I don’t know where Detroit finds its scouts that do the European work and pick those ‘late’ drafts that rarely get a sniff of the NHL, but this staff deserves a lifetime of fast cars, hookers and blow or whatever their thing is.  That’s outstanding work.  Just unrivalled.  And these two players are arguably the best two-way players in the game today.  They are great defensively as well as offensively and that’s something that is incredibly hard to teach, yet Detroit seems to do it.  They made Steve Yzerman (who was an incredible offensive talent in his youth) into a similar player in his mid-twenties and he became the face of the franchise for many years.  Detroit has a blueprint that is still working, still relevant and still something to be feared.

Prediction:  Detroit wins 4 games to 2 because they never seem to like the easy road.

I love hockey.  I watch it every chance I get and I go on and on about statistics that no one really cares about.  And for me the NHL playoffs are the last remnants of the true gladiators (I'm not a UFC kinda guy).  As such, Len said to me, “Why don’t you write a hockey blog?”  And I thought, that’s a great idea!  It’s one of three things I actually understand (the others being pizza and video games) and even if I’m accused of being uneducated (although my hockey pedigree is pretty decent) I have to believe I’m just as qualified as the opinionated chipmunk who does analysis on TSN that doesn’t look like he’s fit in to a hockey skate since he was eight.  Or at least equally qualified as the long-winded interviewer from Leafs TV whose five part questions gasped out in one breath always leave the coach or player bewildered.  I mean that’s poor hockey sense AND poor journalism.

So, I’m going to spend the next few days setting up the playoffs and making a few predictions.  If you don’t know the format, it’s like this: the best of the best eight teams in the Eastern conference play the best of the best eight teams in the Western conference.  In each series, the first team to win four games moves on to the next challenge.  So, there’s a maximum of seven games in each series.  We start with sixteen teams and in two weeks, we’ll have eight.  Then four.  Then just two.  Pretty simple, so here we go.

Washington Capitals (1^st in the NHL & the East) vs Montreal Canadiens (8^th in the East)

This is as easy as one plus one.  Washington is the Kings of Leon of the NHL.  They play hard, they play reckless, they play on the edge and it is always exciting to watch them.  They’re young, they rock and they play sexy, sexy hockey.  The chicks dig ‘em and even some guys have a bit of a man-crush.  Montreal is the Nickelback of the NHL.  They seem to sell a lot of records/tickets but no one really knows why.  Clearly a lot of people like them but those people have deep personal issues and hide in one specific part of the country where the rest of us are unwelcome.  Well, in five more games we won’t hear from them until next year.

X-Factors.  One word: Ovechkin.  Two more words: Backstrom, Green.  Two more more word:  Montreal sucks.  Ok, they don’t suck because they made the playoffs, but they just don’t have the depth or the heart to beat the team that was the best in the NHL through the regular season.

Prediction: Washington wins 4 games to 1 (Montreal will win one game because they’re tough to beat at home and due to Washington’s recklessness they tend to give up a lot of goals.  Usually they get them back, but I’ll be 1 time in 5 they won’t).

New Jersey Devils (2^nd in the East) vs. Philadelphia Flyers (7^th in the East)

There’s a lot more to this series than meets the eye.  Martin Brodeur is the Mick Jagger of hockey.  He is as old as god and he still works his ass off.  And some will argue that he’s still mesmerizing and still successful.  It’s mostly because of his performance that New Jersey is once again near the top of the league, so it’s probably a good argument.  However, they play (and have played) the most boring style of hockey that’s ever existed.  I need more than my two hands would allow to count the number of rules that have been created specifically to deter and eventually remove their style of play.  They attempt to put you to sleep and just as your head is nodding they slap you in the face as hard as they can.  Then you wake up for several minutes – just long enough for them to repeat the process over and over.  So even though they’ll probably beat the bruising, brawling, nasty, chippy, greasy style of the Philadelphia Flyers, they’re going to come out hurt and limping.

X-Factors: The afore mentioned Brodeur.  If he plays like he did in the last three weeks (and most of the rest of) the season, Phili just won’t get it done.  You can’t beat a brick wall with Nerf balls.  I don’t know what that means, but it just can’t be done.  For the Flyers, Chris Pronger could make the impossible happen if he really steps up his game.  He is a 6’6” giant.  Giants can break brick walls.

Prediction:  The Flyers will be lulled to sleep and New Jersey will win in 6 games.

It has recently come to my attention that my band is a lot more awesome than I had originally thought.  And, if we're being honest, I already thought we were pretty awesome.  I realize that could be perceived as an arrogant statement but my defense is that it's not me specifically that makes my band awesome.  Therefore the only portion of my thought that borders on false is the "my band" bit.  "The" band actually belongs to four guys of which I'm just one.

There's a long, rich history of great front men.  I hope someday after Len and I have killed each other that we can be mentioned in the same books.  Who was better?  Who made the band greater?  McCartney or Lennon, Henley or Frey, Axl or Slash, Keith or Mick?  In my opinion this is boring, history text book stuff.  Those guys were all spectacular.  McCartney has written two or three of the top ten greatest songs of our age.  Slash will long be remembered as one of the most incredible and storied (on and off the stage) guitar players in rock and roll history.  And the undead pirate look will always be cool well after Keith is gone (although I believe he died a long time ago and is just an animated corpse - as such, there's no end in sight for him). 

But what makes bands great are the men in the shadows.  Not just your Larry Mullen Jr's or Malcom Young's (although they both do amazing work in long, tall shadows).  I'm talking about kick ass rhythm guitar players or rhythm section players that also sing and make their front men look better.   Or players who may also chime in occasionally with a brilliant writing idea that will make a great song a timeless song.  And although there's a prolific amount of amazing front men in the pages of history, there are far fewer of this ilk; of the man who is comfortable enough, talented enough and confident enough to make great music, great art and great contributions to culture without the rays of glory to bask in.  The harmonies and bass work that Bill Wyman added to the Stones for thirty years is unbelievable.  Unparalleled, in fact.  As gifted as one voice can be, it's amazing how much fuller and more pleasing to the ear it sounds with one, two or occasionally three harmonies.  Case in point is arguably how much better the Eagles became -vocally and from a writing standpoint - when Joe Walsh joined the group.  He's allllll over the Hotel California record.  And although the 'show' in G'n'R was - without question - Slash and Axl, it was Izzy Stradlin who co-wrote half of their most incredible record, Appetite for Destruction.  He helped pen "Welcome to the Jungle", "Nighttrain," "Mr. Brownstone", "Paradise City", "Sweet Child O' Mine", "Out Ta Get Me", "My Michelle", "You're Crazy", "Anything Goes", and "Rocket Queen."  Oh, and he wrote "Think About You" by himself.  Seriously.  And don't get me started on how much George Harrison added to the Beatles.  He was the least egotistical member of the band and yet the most influential member of the band.  He was integral to the creation of the Rubber Soul record and the leader when it came to pushing the bands musical boundries and forcing growth in such a short career.  When you think of the range the Beatles covered in only ten years it's remarkable.  And, again, unparalleled.  And if you look at the center of that arc (and both ends of the spectrum) you'll see George standing there.  Pretty remarkable when the guy you usually forget from your band is listed as # 21 of the top 100 guitar players of all time by Rolling Stone magazine.

All of this is a lenghty, laboured way of saying that great bands are great because there's more to them than what's standing in the front.  Do I still want you to love Len and I?  Absolutely.  But there's more to us than that.  And that's what makes us more awesome; Mick & Alex.  We played a few acoustic shows last month and it was the most fun I've had on stage in years.  Not because our other shows aren't fun, but because I could hear.  Everything.  And what I heard was two acoustic guitars, a lot of songs I'm really proud of and four guys singing like motherf&*?%!rs.  When you've got four guys that can sing in a band, it's really something special.  Honestly, that's 1-4 more than 90% of the successful bands in the world have today.  But too often they get turned down by a sound guy or buried beneath two electric guitars, 5 drums, 6 cymbals, two other vocals and a loud bass guitar.  But jesus those guys can sing.  And it is so much fun to see the look on people's faces when they do. 

Believe me, it's beyond painful for me to admit that my band is great because of everyone else.  We have a long history of being as playfully cruel as possible to each other (it's the backwards love that only brothers and best friends can manage), so to come out and praise their abilities is downright awkward.  I may erase the post after I've exorcised it from my head.  But there it is.  Is my job safe?  I don't know.  Probably.  Because I have good hair.  If that goes, I'll start to worry.